Week 25/52 recap
6.5 – 4.55 – 10.1
My physical therapy, core work and runs are all going along pain free. It is my head that gets in the way lately. I am disappointed in being slower than I was the last couple of years. I have a difficult time realizing how much I have built back since November and am hard on myself for not being faster. It takes so much more effort to move at a decent pace and that ends up frustrating me, frequently to tears.
I have a lot of things on my mind that are wearing on me also. A couple of weeks ago my Dad returned to the hospital for a serious infection and is in rehab again. I am glad to say he is getting stronger than ever. He even came through a surgical procedure yesterday doing really well. I worry and worry but have no control over what will happen next. It’s nice that things seem to be a bit more stable for the moment for him.
A few projects I have put energy into and set into working aren’t doing so well. I dedicated a few months to hosting a comic artists collective called Pen & Pixel. It is such a specialized interest group that, with the help of Jim, we dedicated having meetings over 4 counties in Central PA. Over the months a few people came to check it out but it didn’t seem to stick with anyone. I purchased a digital copy of the great new film, Stripped, that documents the recent history of comic strips. I was really disappointed that no one wanted to come and see it. After running it for no one multiple times in multiple locations, it sunk in that it just wasn’t something that was interesting enough to other people. Jim and I will keep dedicating energy to creative outlets like this but will rethink how to set time aside that doesn’t have to be set up for others.
Speaking of not doing well, our dear elderly lady cat is reaching the end of her life with us. Mooch is 16 in people years and has accumulated too many physical challenges. My good familiar will be departing this Friday. I will miss how she oversees anytime I wash, cut or dye my hair. She will have been with me from the time my son became a man until the day I become a crone.
This is all heavy stuff for me and I wrongly lashed out in frustration at Jim during our long run together on Sunday. It was during that hard transition time between warming up, breaking a sweat and getting into the groove. I realized that the shirt I wore had cuffs that were too snug to push or roll up. Instead of getting over it I blew up at Jim. I blamed him for talking too easily, being too cheerful, running without straining when it all seemed so much harder for me. I told him that I resented the fact that he took up running and didn’t allow me one thing I could do on my own. I said that I just couldn’t run with him anymore and we needed to do our long runs separately.
I almost immediately regretted it. I got over myself, a cool wind picked up and my pace settled in groove that required less effort. I apologized and said that I hoped he was used to me enough to have let some of what I said just roll off of him. He assure me that he had. No one should have to put up with outbursts like that though, even if they are used to it. I am still ashamed.
It really was a beautiful morning for a run; warblers were out, red buds were blooming, geese were calling. My pace ended up great for a long run on a rail trail and I felt super even in recovery. It’s just my damn inner-demons, saddies, moping about fate, mortality and morality that has been bringing me down. Just like on my Sunday run, I am sure I will soon get over myself and face the challenges as best I can. I apologize in advance for anyone who catches me at my worst, I am doing my best to remind myself to keep things in perspective.